Broke Nicolas Cage Forced To Sell Property, Handjobs

Los Angeles CA-

Academy Award-winning actor, Nicolas Cage, star of the popular "National Treasure" films, claims that his business manager swindled him out of millions. CPA Samuel J. Levin managed Cage's investments from 2001 to 2008, at which time several "risky real estate investments" went belly up, resulting in "catastrophic losses" for the star of such films as "Leaving Las Vegas," "Adaptation," "Valley Girl," "Moonstruck," "The Rock," "Guarding Tess," and "Con Air." Losses, Cage claims, that have forced him to supplement his feature-film fee by any means necessary. I caught up with the actor (pictured at left during a recent transaction) beneath the Lankershim Blvd. overpass at the 101 Freeway in North Hollywood. 

"Twenty bucks for a quick tug, forty to finish," pitched the classically trained actor doing, to this reporter, a spot-on impression of Vince the Sham-Wow guy. Sorry... homage. I quickly explained that that was not why I was there. "C'mon, it's not every day you get to jizz on an Oscar winner," replied the shirtless Cage. "That is, unless your commute is along this stretch of highway," he added.

Whatever turmoil he may be going through, the Method actor hasn't lost his chops. After a brief negotiation period the interview was under way. "So how did you find yourself in these dire straits, Mr. Cage?" I inquired. "Well... Sagredo, is it? Hey, you paisan'? No? Anyway, like most Americans, I was in Mombasa, Kenya in the fall of 2008, meeting with imprisoned Somali pirates as part of my job as U.N. Goodwill Ambassador on Drugs and Crime," he began. "And, like most Americans, after my private jet taxied into the secure hangar at LAX and my bodyguard and I were met in the limo by my supermodel wife, I was informed that not one, but TWO of my New Orleans estates had been foreclosed on! TWO!"

"That must be rough, losing all your New Orleans property like that," I sympathized. "No, not all," he corrected, "just the two. There's still the Tudor in the Garden District. But I'll probably have to sell it and another property in England before this nightmare is over."  "That's right!" I recalled. "Didn't you buy two castles in Great Britain in 2007, for something like $20M?" "No, no. It was only one castle, in Bath, and two mansions, for only around $12M," he pointed out. "I'm pretty sure that was 12 million British Pounds, Mr. Cage," I opined. "Pounds, dollars, who can follow this stuff? I'm not an ecologist! Look, I know what you're thinking," the actor said under one raised eyebrow. "But my drunken spending and complete disregard for the concept of over-extending myself has nothing to do with my current financial problems. My manager should have stopped my wanton shopping, and he should have seen this global banking meltdown coming. Period!"

It's hard not to feel for this $15M per movie national treasure. Won't you please dig deep and give generously? I donated $40 already, and would be happy to deliver your contributions personally. Send checks, money orders, even cash... yeah, just make it cash, to: 

P.O. Box 21473
Chatsworth, CA 91311


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