Church & Dwight Company, producer of the Trojan brand condoms, has completed an exhaustive study of their customer demographics on the heels of the phenomenal success of their "Magnum" line targeted at the well-endowed male. "It's just amazing. Sales just exploded almost as soon as we inserted Magnums into the market over five years ago," says company spokesman, Thom Brennan. "In fact, since its introduction, Magnum accounts for roughly 56% of total sales, and total sales has seen a massive 28% rise in that time." Sounds like a fantastic success story. So why the need for a study?
"The average male penis is approximately five and a half inches, fully erect, and latex is remarkably stretchy stuff," Brennan explained. "And, as many ladies could tell you, the number of men out there who actually need, let's call it... extra room, is nowhere near 56%. While we're grateful for the sales, we wanted to know who's buying these big condoms and why sales of all our other condoms jumped so radically." And the answer?
"Well, we hired hundreds of secret shoppers/investigators to observe people who buy Magnums in pharmacies, grocery stores, and gas stations, and follow them to gather as much information as they could about these customers," the spokesman continued. "It turns out that the average American male is extremely sensitive about his... averageness, and having Magnums in the display case or behind the counter right next to his normal-sized condoms only serves to underscore his perceived inadequacy. So, given the choice, these men will choose Magnums just to be seen purchasing them." Okay, that explains Magnums' high sales. But what about the rest of condom lines? What accounts for their rise in sales, too? "The thing is, when you wear an over sized condom it just slips off and ends up deep in your partner's vagina and/or rectum, much like packing a musket. But you can't buy a box of Magnums and a box of average-sized condoms, can you? I mean, how transparent is that? What would you say-- 'Oh, the Magnums are for me and the shrinky-dinks are for my... infant son?' No. These guys buy the Magnums at their local Rite-Aids or Safeway stores where they regularly buy their groceries or prescriptions and know the cashiers by name, and then buy the correct size a couple of towns away."
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