Astronomer Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society says that due to changes in the Earth's alignment the dates of many zodiac signs have changed. There may also be a 13th Zodiac sign: Ophiuchus. This means that nearly 66% of us will now have completely different astrological signs. But don't fear. Your Scorpio traits with which you have self-identified your whole life still apply, according to prominent astrologer Sheila, and your monthly charts and daily horoscopes are completely unaffected by this otherwise paradigm-shattering news. Sheila explains:
"Be calm, my child. Saturn is rising and the Sun is in the third aspect. The stars are aligned this very moment in the most auspicious manner in millenia. The cosmos itself is telling me that now the time is right for Truth. And the truth is... this is all a bunch of bullshit, child. Yeah. I don't own a telescope, but I'm going to tell you how the movement of the planets and stars influence your life? Shee-it!" confides Sheila.
"Don't believe me. Check it yourself," she suggests. "Open up your newspaper's horoscope section, or point your browser to Yahoo! horoscopes, and read the horoscope for Sagittarius: "Your simple chores and responsibilities are all-important right now. Make sure that you're on top of everything; it's not so hard for you to take care of business when it's time to crunch." Isn't that pretty true for everyone, all the time? Of course it is. Now let's look at Aquarius: "Now is a great time for a family reunion or any event at which you can reminisce. Today is perfect for comparing the present to the past -- and maybe figuring out what you want to do in the future." That sounds reasonable, doesn't it? And really, couldn't I, or any other "qualified expert" give either of those pearls to just about anyone? Everyone wants to stay on top of everyday chores. Everyone thinks it's a good idea to take stock and figure out what they want to do in the future," the self-proclaimed Seer to the Stars asserted. "So how it works is, we think up some simple, universal shit that anyone can identify with and you, the believer, meets us more than halfway by choosing to see how it applies to you. To you, it feels almost personalized, like I'm talking directly to you," Sheila explained, adding "I mean, you guys do most of the work for us."
So fear not, my gullible friends. Astrology is every bit as efficacious and legitimate as it ever was.
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