Former Evangelical Pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, confessed today on CNN to having long-standing "sexual issues" and admits that "...probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual." He added, however, that "I'm 54, with children, with a belief system, and I can have enforced boundaries in my life. Just like you're a heterosexual but you don't have sex with every woman that you're attracted to, so I can be who I am and exclusively have sex with my wife and be perfectly satisfied."
That must be immensely reassuring to Mrs. Haggard.
You may recall that the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals was mired in scandal when he was accused of buying methamphetamine and a massage from a gay male escort back in 2006. Haggard admitted to the drug purchase but initially denied using the drugs, as well as denying having any physical contact with the escort. He has since admitted to getting a massage from him after snorting the crystal meth. In spite of this candor, Mr. Haggard insists that he is not gay, and further, that he did nothing gay with that gay male escort. "I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That's it," explained the disgraced pastor. "That's just a little harmless fun, right?" he chortled. "You know, it's just 'guy stuff.' He rubbed my shoulders and back, and then my hamstrings," recalled Haggard, "and, well, he massaged the back of my body, so it was only proper that I roll over so he could get the front, too." The shamed evangelical whom Jim Bakker says makes him disgusted went on to say, "So he milked me 'til I blew--Lord help me--a bucket of man-chowder in the poor young man's face." "Hosanna! That was... that was something," he recalled wistfully. "Naturally, I felt obliged to return the favor. My, that was some choad the lad was packing! I needed both hands," he recollected. "It was taking a while, and I was tempted to use the oil he had used on me to help lube things up, but I didn't care for the taste," he confided. "Finally, I just thought if I could sit on it, you know, like my wife does for me sometimes while I think about the locker room at the club, well maybe that would do the trick. And you know, it did. But if that's gay, maybe I don't know what gay is," opined the hypocrite.
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