My return is nigh, my children. The Son of man shall descend on a cloud as prophesied! The hour is soon upon us. 9 pm Greenwich Mean Time, 4 pm EST, 1 pm Pacific. Let us syncronize our sun dials... and we are at T minus 19 hours, 29 minutes, 17 seconds until the faithful among you are lifted by the Holy Spirit to ascend to my Father's heavenly abode. Verily I say unto you that the time is short to get your bucket list stuff out of the way before you are raptured. Go ahead and knock off that liquor store. What consequences could possibly await you? Do that black guy at your office you've been fantasizing about. Hell, tell your husband about it. It is not going to matter in... oh, about 19 hours and 27 minutes, give or take. Tell your wife about the affairs, tell your boss about the deposits you've skimmed. You will feel much better having gotten it off your chest. And like I said, none of this will matter in... 19 hours and 25 minutes. You know you can be certain of this. I don't need to remind you of the rock solid evidence you can rely on-- my birth over 2,000 years ago to a virgin maiden. My healing of the sick and the lame by just touching them and babbling incoherently, and sometimes I spat on them. Oh, I don't know... my RAISING OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN' DEAD, y'all! The walking on water. The feeding of the multitudes with a loaf of Wonder Bread and a tin of sardines. Yada yada yada. And of course there's my own death and resurrection after three days buried. I mean, don't take my word for it. They totally wrote it down, like some fifty or sixty years later.
Anyway, the point is that you should feel satisfied that you have it on very reliable authority that the world, as we know it, is essentially over and done with in just under 19 hours and 22 minutes. I urge you to empty your bank accounts and give it away. Doesn't matter to whom. Give away your home, too. Then, about 30 minutes before the Rapture Event, as your final earthly act, you will witness to your brethren and share the Good News! How? I want you to walk into the most densely populated regions of your communities-- your downtown areas, your shopping malls-- just as naked as the day you were born into this world. The non-believers will stare, of course, ensuring that they shall see you disappear before their very eyes! What could possibly be more compelling evidence of the Gospel, aside from the internally inconsistent, self-contradictory text of the Bible written many decades after the events it purports to recount? Yes, that will show them! So, once again: empty your bank accounts and give it away. Tell your spouse and boss all of your darkest secrets. Do whatever crazy thing you've always wanted to do but were held back by social norms and common decency. Strip completely naked and saunter into the busiest part of town you can think of, and I'll see you in T minus 19 hours, 17 minutes and 32 seconds... 30. 29. 28. 27
Oh, you'll pay for this blasphemy. Or you won't. Either way.
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