Ah, Riverside! Methamphetamine capital of the United States. First in aggravated assault, larceny, burglary, armed robbery, and rape. We won't settle for second best at anything! Come and take a look around. Tour our meth facilities to see how crystal is packaged and processed for consumption. Make a wish and toss some coins at a homeless person. You'll run out of coins (and wishes) long before we run out of the homeless.
And talk about our schools? Riverside is ranked #417 out of 766 California school districts. Not too bad. Not too good either, but hey, better than San Bernardino Unified. With no safe parks, and no cultural center to speak of, and no recreational activities, your kids will have plenty of time to hit the books. What we lack in quality they'll make up for with quantity.
Yes, you'll love it here in sunny Riverside. Very affordable homes and just a short commute to Los Angeles and Orange County where all the good jobs are. We call ourselves the "City of Arts and Innovation," and if we keep saying it loud enough and long enough, people might start to believe it. Visit today!
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