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Nation Still Blissfully Unconcerned About Career Arcs Of Dick, Poundstone, Kilborn

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From The Creators Of 'Your Baby Can Read' Comes...

Prepare And File Your Taxes! Yes, your baby can not only learn to read and write, not only learn to speak a foreign language, but he or she can also learn to prepare and file your taxes, accurately ! Our Infant Behaviorist experts at Your Baby Can ( TM ) have developed another program to help you tap into your baby's limitless potential! Sound impossible? That's what the Leibowitzes said, too, until their baby, Akiva (pictured at left) finished our program. "And now he's a Certified Public Accountant! Such a mitzvah!" exclaimed his excited, very proud, and not at all stereotypical Jewish mother. Here's how it works: 90% of your child's brain development occurs within the first five years of life. During those crucial early years, thousands of synaptic connections are being formed every second! With our patented program, your baby sees the printed words, sees video or images of the word, and either vocalizes the noun and or performs the verb. In days,

AZ Shooter Not Guilty, Says Attorney Colin Ferguson

Tucson, AZ- In a bold (some would say, insane) move, Tucson shooting suspect, Jared Lee Loughner named convicted mass-murderer Colin Ferguson as his attorney. You may remember Mr. Ferguson from the 1995 trial over the shooting deaths of six people and injuries of nineteen others, while commuting on the Long Island Railroad in Garden City, New York. Despite the court's strong advice to hire legal counsel, Colin Ferguson insisted on representing himself. Despite being positively identified by literally dozens of survivors and eyewitnesses, Mr. Ferguson insisted on his innocence. During the course of his cross-examinations, Ferguson would refer to himself in the third person, most particularly asking the victims of the shooting "Did you see Colin Ferguson..." to which the witness would reply "I saw you shoot me." Yet Mr. Ferguson refused to enter a not-guilty by reason of insanity plea. He is currently serving 315 years and 8 months to life in Attica Correction

Holiday Tips For Dysfunctional Families

Well, it's that time of year again. Shit. While most people are getting into the Christmas spirit-- putting up decorations, planning parties, baking cookies, singing carols, and so on-- some of us are dreading the annual mandatory family gathering. Nothing says Christmas like drunken passive-aggressiveness! Our best advice is to opt out altogether. Spend the holidays with your own nuclear family, or with dear friends, or even all by yourself. But if you can't get out of the obligatory family time at your parents' or grandparents or aunt's place, here are some time-tested tips to get you through it with minimal emotional scarring. Prepare your spouse for the worst . Knowledge is power, and your spouse/lover deserves to know what to expect from your charming family before you arrive. Believe us, the last thing you need is something to fight about at home after going through this living hell. So tell your wife that Uncle Burt is going to get drunk and grope her right in f

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