New Study Proves That Eating Anything Will Kill You!

Put down that locally raised persimmon! Step away from your bowl of organic quinoa and heirloom Lacinato kale salad with hemp seed vinaigrette! You were so concerned about your health that you adopted a strict vegan diet. You were so careful to restrict your consumption to only pesticide-free, non-GMO, organically grown fruits and vegetables. You were so responsible for your well being and your community's prosperity that you only bought from the local farmers markets, rewarding ethical, sustainable farmers with your hard earned dollars, and rewarding the Temple you call your body with-- literally-- the fruits of their labors.  Sadly, all that effort and extra expense were for nothing. It turns out that even the purest, cleanest, organically grown and responsibly produced foods are killing you. A new study from Berkeley has revealed that the human body is not adapted to eat foods of any kind produced after the human and chimpanzee species diverged from their common ancestor, about 5-7 million years ago. "So, you see, it really doesn't matter what you eat. It's all toxic," explained Dr. Earl Prentiss of U.C. Berkeley medical school. "The alarming rise in diabetes, various cancers, ADHD, autism, virtually all maladies of the body and mind, can be directly attributed to this common denominator: we continue to get our much needed sustenance from food!" he continued. "Think about it! Oh, yes, there is great variety in diet among human populations all over the world," he observed dismissively, "aboriginals of the South American rainforests subsist on grated starchy roots and beetle larvae; the Inuit peoples of Alaska and the Siberian plain live almost exclusively on seal and walrus blubber. And there's the mainstream Asian and European diets we're more familiar with. As disparate as they seem, what have they all got in common? Death! Every single person who eats will die, no matter where in the world they do it and regardless of the food type. We believe this is because of a mutation in the human genome that makes our endocrine and nervous systems run amok whenever we introduce anything into our digestive system. We're still putting it all together, but the evidence indicates that digestion itself is a vestigial process utilized by our primitive ancestors that is just not compatible with foods created after the rise of the Homo genus." 

Stop eating before it's too late.