Kim Jong-un: New Seth Rogen/James Franco Movie Is An "Act Of Terror"; President Obama: "So Is Your Haircut"

Dateline: Pyongyang-

"This American filth, "The Interview," is most offensive and vile in the eyes of The Shining Star of Paektu Mountain, our Ever-Victorious Iron-Willed Commander, our Most Beloved and Democratically Elected Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un," said a spokesman for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea yesterday. "Not only is the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love offended, but so are all The People of our Most Righteous Nation," he went on to say. "We polled one thousand people at random/gunpoint, and to a person they decried this disgusting film with great passion and zeal, spitting on the ground and declaring their emotional distress through streaming tears. A control group consisting of poor dirt farmers from the remote hills was also polled, in which they were offered a humble bowl of steamed rice with aromatic beef and sauteed fresh vegetables, followed by a fish course, soup, and sweet bean cake with jasmine tea as their only compensation for their time and candor. 100% of these also expressed their undying support of The Great Sun of Life, Kim Jong-un. Of course, Western media won't report that."

As for Dear Leader himself, he made this chilling statement: "The U.S. should ban this atrocious film and forbid its distribution. To allow this film to be seen is an act of terror. It will be seen as an act of war, and we will respond accordingly!"

President Obama's reaction was swift and direct: "Have you seen that guy's haircut? How can I take a guy with that haircut seriously? He's either trying to look like a walking penis or Bugs Bunny is his hairdresser."