Holiday Tips For Dysfunctional Families

Well, it's that time of year again. Shit. While most people are getting into the Christmas spirit-- putting up decorations, planning parties, baking cookies, singing carols, and so on-- some of us are dreading the annual mandatory family gathering. Nothing says Christmas like drunken passive-aggressiveness! Our best advice is to opt out altogether. Spend the holidays with your own nuclear family, or with dear friends, or even all by yourself. But if you can't get out of the obligatory family time at your parents' or grandparents or aunt's place, here are some time-tested tips to get you through it with minimal emotional scarring.

1. Prepare your spouse for the worst. Knowledge is power, and your spouse/lover deserves to know what to expect from your charming family before you arrive. Believe us, the last thing you need is something to fight about at home after going through this living hell. So tell your wife that Uncle Burt is going to get drunk and grope her right in front of everyone and that protesting or drawing attention to it will only precipitate Aunt Sarah's public breakdown and shame. Ignore every goosing and nipple-tweak and doggedly maintain that wall of denial... for everyone's sake.
2. Your level of subjugation should be inversely proportionate to the amount of alcohol consumed by the Alpha male. In this case, the Alpha male is the male home-owner hosting this shindig. After one or two drinks: "Come here, Alan. Let me show you my rec room. I pushed out that wall and built it myself. Pulled my own damn permits." Appropriate response: "[Whistle] This is what I call a rec room! Now I know who to come to for building advice!" After four or more drinks: "This is my fuckin' house! You don't talk to me like that in my own mother fuckin' house!" Appropriate response: "I'm very sorry if I offended you. Please accept my apologies and this cold Pabst."
3. Remain neutral at all costs. There's a lot of repressed rage, pent up anger, and unexpressed pain in your family. So many private, unresolved issues to be worked out. What better time than at the family holiday gathering? When a fight breaks out (and you know it will) they're going to try to drag you into it. Don't fall for it! Just change the subject. For example: [Mother]"Do you know the misery I endured for your sake? I only stayed with this... man, your father, because of you! Do you know how many times I caught him with whores? Do you?!" Appropriate response: "This ham melts in your mouth! Mother, you've outdone yourself, again!"
4. Remain humble. Don't flaunt your success or share the pride you feel for your own children. No matter how trivial it may seem to you, any joyful anecdote will only serve to underscore someone else's terrible shortcomings. Remember, no one in your family is evolved enough to take any pleasure in your happiness. [You]: "Hey everyone, our Tommy just got straight A's on his report card! We're so proud of him!" [Your sister]: "Yeah? Well guess who missed her methadone treatment and had her parole officer call Child Services to have me declared unfit? So you'll forgive me for not singing little Tommy's fuckin' praises, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver!"
5. Call your sponsor and get to a meeting. Whether you're in ACA, AA, NA, OA, CoDA, or (likely) all of the above, you need to stay grounded. Get in touch with your HP (Higher Power- God as you understand Him/Her/It). Keep your sponsor's number on speed dial. Go to a meeting before you see your family, preferably that same day, and as soon as possible immediately after seeing them. Remember that we can't pick our FO (family of origin), but we can pick our FC (family of choice- your 12-step community). At least now you'll have plenty of freshly reopened FO wounds to share over coffee and cigarettes with your FC.

Godspeed, friend. And Seasons Greetings!