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Tension In Iowa!

December 28, 2011

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AZ Shooter Not Guilty, Says Attorney Colin Ferguson

Tucson, AZ- In a bold (some would say, insane) move, Tucson shooting suspect, Jared Lee Loughner named convicted mass-murderer Colin Ferguson as his attorney. You may remember Mr. Ferguson from the 1995 trial over the shooting deaths of six people and injuries of nineteen others, while commuting on the Long Island Railroad in Garden City, New York. Despite the court's strong advice to hire legal counsel, Colin Ferguson insisted on representing himself. Despite being positively identified by literally dozens of survivors and eyewitnesses, Mr. Ferguson insisted on his innocence. During the course of his cross-examinations, Ferguson would refer to himself in the third person, most particularly asking the victims of the shooting "Did you see Colin Ferguson..." to which the witness would reply "I saw you shoot me." Yet Mr. Ferguson refused to enter a not-guilty by reason of insanity plea. He is currently serving 315 years and 8 months to life in Attica Correction...

The Don Draper Diet And Fitness Regimen

Don Draper. Madison Avenue maestro. Advertising legend. Creative genius. Fitness fanatic? You probably would not have guessed that. And you probably would have been right. But one thing is undeniably true: whatever he's doing it's working remarkably well for him. If you want a Don Draper physique for the beach this summer, follow his four simple rules. Breakfast: The most important meal of the day. Nine times out of ten Don's breakfast of choice is grapefruit and cigarettes. One time in ten it's dry toast and coffee and cigarettes. And ten times out of ten it's whatever he can manage to keep down that particular morning... and cigarettes. Graze often: Literally. Grains are high in complex carbohydrates, sellenium, vitamin B9, and dietary fiber. Grains help to regulate insulin levels and blood pressure, and maintain healthy bowels, reducing the risk of colon cancer. Don Draper consumes grains frequently at any time of day, and you should, too. Of cour...

Holiday Tips For Dysfunctional Families

Well, it's that time of year again. Shit. While most people are getting into the Christmas spirit-- putting up decorations, planning parties, baking cookies, singing carols, and so on-- some of us are dreading the annual mandatory family gathering. Nothing says Christmas like drunken passive-aggressiveness! Our best advice is to opt out altogether. Spend the holidays with your own nuclear family, or with dear friends, or even all by yourself. But if you can't get out of the obligatory family time at your parents' or grandparents or aunt's place, here are some time-tested tips to get you through it with minimal emotional scarring. Prepare your spouse for the worst . Knowledge is power, and your spouse/lover deserves to know what to expect from your charming family before you arrive. Believe us, the last thing you need is something to fight about at home after going through this living hell. So tell your wife that Uncle Burt is going to get drunk and grope her right in f...

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Tension In Iowa!

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